amy

     Remember when I said they didn’t find any cancer in my lymph nodes after surgery? Psych! They called me about two weeks later and told me that pathology found 0.19mm of cancer in my sentinel lymph node that was taken at surgery. This came as such a shock for me since they told me after surgery they didn’t find any cancer in the lymph nodes. Apparently, they are typically 90% accurate when they look at the lymph node during the time of surgery. It is sent off to pathology for the other 10%. Just as I wish I wasn’t in the small percentage of women my age to be diagnosed with breast cancer, I wish I wasn’t in the 10% category of my pathology results coming back differently than they appeared during surgery. But, I guess I’m just that unique.      I got off the phone and immediately cried. I didn’t know what this meant. I so desperately wanted my body to be rid of cancer after surgery. I dreaded the thought of more surgery or more chemo. I tried to be rational and not jump to the wo

.                                       Today I buzzed my hair. Most of my hair had fallen out due to chemo but a buzz cut length of hair has already grown back. I had some longer pieces hanging on in the back. I always wore a wig or a hat whenever I saw other people. When I was home by myself, I did not wear a wig. I decided it was time to even out my hair to a buzz cut and go free without a wig. My hair has been an emotional and sometimes stressing part of my journey since my diagnosis. I was kind of used to seeing myself in the mirror without much hair, so this step to even my hair out to a buzz cut didn’t come as a big shock to me to see myself this way.      The hair side of this journey has taught me more about beauty. Beauty is not simply how people look on the outside. This was something I knew in my head but has taken on new meaning for me as I have not chosen these changes my body has gone through. There is beauty in conversations, in thoughts, in actions, in personality, i

                                               chemo video      I’ve been reflecting on my experience with chemotherapy. I realize not many of you have had experience with chemo and don’t know what it is like to receive chemotherapy. I can only speak for myself, but I wanted to give you some more insight into what receiving chemotherapy was like for me.      My brother made a video of various clips from the three times he went to chemo with me and took care of me afterwards. Click the "chemo video" for the link to the video. I think this video does a good job at providing more insight. The video begins with audio of me and my sister laughing while she was trying to crack my back. As the video progresses, there is more silence. This audio does a good job portraying some of the joy and humor I felt and experienced during chemo as well as a lot of the silence, sadness, and pain. Also accurate to the video, the more chemo I received, the more sadness and pain and fatigue

     My surgery was one week ago. Kind of feels like I am 50% done with active cancer treatment now that chemo and surgery are done and I have radiation and exchange surgery left. I’m hoping chemo and surgery will be the hardest parts of active treatment. It’s been a long, immobile week. My back is hurting from all the laying down I’ve been doing. I’m praying I will get the drains out, the pain will lessen, and I will be able to be more active soon.      I’m so thankful I have had my mom, dad, and sister here with me during some of my recovery. Surgery went as well as possible and they did not find any cancer in the lymph nodes! As soon as I woke up from anesthesia, I asked my mom what the doctors said about the surgery. It was definitely a weird feeling knowing my mom knew the outcome of the surgery before I did. I sure do love anesthesia. It’s pretty amazing how one moment I can be on the surgery table, taking deep breaths, and the next moment I’m waking up in recovery post-surgery

     Being diagnosed with cancer is life-altering at any age. But being diagnosed with cancer in my 20s feels like I have been robbed. It feels like I have been robbed of my youth and all the energy and experiences that youth brings.      After being diagnosed, several people encouraged me to continue with as much “normalcy” in life as possible. This pushed me to continue teaching, going on walks, and spending time with friends as much as I was able. I do feel like this was good for me. It helped me to not feel like I had been completely robbed of my life. Even though much had changed, it was good for me to see I could still do some of the things I enjoyed doing before I was diagnosed.      Sometimes I feel like I’m living in this balance of not wanting cancer to keep me from living the life I want to live and understanding that cancer changes things. I have continued to see the importance of community in not feeling like cancer has robbed me of everything. Friends and family have a