My Mind Lately

 

    My mind has been in a “hard to explain” state the past two months since my diagnosis. I remember wanting all of this to be a dream that I would wake up from. That was one of my biggest hopes the first month of my diagnosis – that it was all a dream I would wake up from and it would be gone. I know this isn’t the reality.

    After this desire to be woken up from a terrible dream, comes all the questions and wonderings and worryings. Will I lose all my hair? How will my body change from all this medicine I am taking? Will I be able to finish the school year with my students? Will I be able to start a new school year in the fall? Will I be able to enjoy my summer break? Is my reaction to the first chemo as bad as it gets?

    Currently I am learning to live in the in between. I am learning to live in the tension between holding all these questions and living one day at a time. This has looked like days following chemo spending hours sleeping. This has looked like slow walks with friends. This has looked like uber eats meals with my mama. This has looked like photo shoots with friends to cherish moments of feeling like myself before “myself” changes.

    I wish I knew what the future held. But because I do not know the future and never will, I am taking this journey one day at a time. Right now, taking the journey one day at a time looks like extending myself a lot of grace to rest.

    My mind is still full of questions and wonderings but I also feel peace and comfort. I feel warmth from the outpouring of love and support that I have received from my community (both near and far) through phone calls, messages, letters, care packages, hugs, walks, meals, financial contributions to my gofundme, and more.

    This past Christmas break my family and I watched a very familiar family favorite movie – It’s A Wonderful Life. I have seen the movie several times but this time around it hit different. If you haven’t seen it, please go watch it! At the end of the movie, there is a note that reads: “no man is a failure who has friends”. I have felt this so deeply during the last two months since my diagnosis. The power of community is real.

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