Messy Strength

    I’ve learned a lot through this journey so far. Two things that stand out to me are: the power of vulnerability and the power of community. I believed vulnerability and community were powerful before I was diagnosed with cancer but my appreciation for them has grown the past two months. I’ll start with vulnerability (although I see the power of vulnerability and community very much interconnected).

    In the world we live in, it’s very easy and tempting to only share the parts of us that look good and put together. It is much harder to share our weaknesses and shortcomings. I think many of us fear that others will reject us or no longer value us when they see certains parts of us. I think this fear is one major barrier to vulnerability. My journey with cancer has been showing me the opposite. The journey is messy. I have been learning to see the beauty in the mess. I have seen beauty and encouragement come through sharing the mess with others and letting others in. This is real life. Everyone’s life has messes of its own.

    Oftentimes, there is nothing we can do to control or prevent the struggles and messes of life. Like my cancer, for example. Most people who know me are extremely surprised by my diagnosis, me included :) My close friends who do life with me in Memphis know how important healthy eating and exercise are to me. I didn’t get cancer because I failed to take care of my body. The same is true for a lot of struggles people go through – they’re out of our control. One thing we can control is how we respond to the struggles. And, for me, responding through vulnerability in community is one thing I am grateful for.

    Speaking of being grateful, my incredibly thoughtful sister had the idea for me to create a box with two sections. One section is labeled “lost” and the other is labeled “found”. She encouraged me to write things on pieces of paper that I have lost because of cancer and things that I have found. It is a tangible way for me to record things I am grieving and things I am grateful for.

Let me share some things I am grateful for:

• I truly believe my pain tolerance is increasing. I’m learning how amazing and adaptable the body is and I am grateful for how my body has responded so far.

• Deeper connection with people. Vulnerability breeds vulnerability and I am thankful for the people I have connected with through this that I otherwise would not have.

• Learning more about myself – who I am, what I care about, how strong I am.

• Living a life more carpe diem. Going through this cancer journey has made me so much more appreciative for life, no matter the highs or lows. Just waking up with breath in my lungs is a gift. But, because my body has so many days of not feeling 100%, those good days are ah-maz-ing. It doesn’t even matter what I do on those days. Just being alive and feeling good is a gift. I definitely wasn’t taking life for granted before my diagnosis. But now I have a deeper appreciation for all the little things: watching the sun shine on my plants, listening to a good song, dancing in my home, hugs, heated blankets, good food. I have learned more and grown in my ability to be present to the current moment in all its beauty and goodness. Life is beautiful. Messes included.
• I’m sure part of this new perspective is being confronted with mortality more often. Every time I go for appointments, I am surrounded by others who are fighting something that, if untreated, could kill us. Some days I have to remind myself that I am not sick. I am healing. Not only am I healing, I am still living. And I am not just living, I am living fully. A full life does not look one specific way. A full life is not one devoid of messes and struggles. I am learning that a full life is one that includes vulnerability and community.

Thank you for joining me in my journey. Live your beautiful life and do it with vulnerability and community. Messy is beautiful.