Grief
Grief. What a word. I read a description of the word in a book that resonated with me: “Think of the word grief as a kind of picture frame that fits around all of the different things you might feel when you experience loss. For instance, you’ve probably heard about different ‘stages’ of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – based on Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s well-known theory of bereavement. But try not to think about grief as a series of fixed steps. Instead, think of these five emotions and the many others you are experiencing as the swirling paints on a collage framed and entitled ‘Grief.’”
Since my diagnosis on December 7, my emotions have been a rollercoaster of ups and downs. It’s interesting what topics, moments, and experiences cause me to become more emotional. Some of these things include impending hair loss and not being able to do activities I enjoy like running and dancing.
When I was initially diagnosed, everything was so overwhelming that I felt I had to numb certain things in order to continue to function (particularly to function at my job). As time has gone on, I’m learning how to embrace the emotions. And for me, embracing these emotions means grieving.
I am grieving finishing out my last year of my Memphis Teacher Residency commitment in the way I wanted. I am grieving a sense of normalcy. I am grieving feeling beautiful and feeling like myself. I am grieving feeling attractive and looking healthy. I am grieving the ability to plan out my time. I am grieving having a sense of control. The list goes on and contains things that I’m not even aware I’m grieving.
To everyone reading my blog and journeying alongside me, I wish you could feel the weight of my grief. I wish you could get a glimpse into the way my heart feels. But only a glimpse because I would not wish this upon anyone. But I will bear this weight. I can bear this weight. And sometimes the best way to do that is through grieving.
I am thankful for each and every one of you journeying alongside me.
I wish you didn’t have to bear this weight. Praying that you feel God and others close to you holding it with you even if it’s only a fraction of all you feel.
ReplyDeleteOh sweet Amy. This must feel so overwhelming and unbearable at times. Know that you have every right to the emotions and grief that come in this season. Your grief and feelings are so important to God. I pray that in those moments when you feel unseen, where the grief is too much to bear, or when you feel like no one can understand what you’re experiencing that you feel the presence of God hold you in His arms. He cares for you and your grief. I love you so much!
ReplyDelete-Kara
Dear Amy. So sorry for the huge trial you are going through. We are Praying for healing and comfort. Your blog is very well written. I take my health/life for granted. While reading your words I got a real glimpse of your grief and asked myself what I would do if I lost all those things.
ReplyDeletePowerful! You are very brave and beautiful and we are with you in spirit. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help. Love, peter & miriam from Nigeria.